


Touch me

by mee4ever



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Comforting Derek, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Podfic, Podfic Available, mentioning of canon deaths, stiles tries to be patient, succeeds pretty well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 03:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5114045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mee4ever/pseuds/mee4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Erica and Boyd dies, Stiles is astonished when Derek all of sudden is standing in the middle of his room one night. It’s just a couple of days after the Betas are killed, the memory of Derek’s broken face and body and mind still fresh in Stiles’s memory. The Derek that he sees now is not the same open-book-kind of Derek. Now he’s closed. When Stiles tries to speak, Derek interrupts.<br/>“What the hell, du-”<br/>“Touch me,” Derek growls and the words doesn't sound at all like Stiles has ever heard them before or imagined hearing them from someone. </p><p>Or the one where Derek goes to Stiles because he's the only person Derek feels remotley safe around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch me

**Author's Note:**

> This story took me two days to write and was something I literally woke up with in my head. I hope you enjoy it and it would be highly appreciated to get feedback. You are also more than welcome to point out spelling or grammatical errors since English isn't my first language. (Also, I have frantically been listened to Adele's latest single "Hello" when writing this!)  
> Audiofic can be found [here](http://www.audiofic.jinjurly.com/touch-me).

After Erica and Boyd dies, Stiles is astonished when Derek all of sudden is standing in the middle of his room one night. It’s just a couple of days after the Betas are killed, the memory of Derek’s broken face and body and mind still fresh in Stiles’s memory. The Derek that he sees now, from the bed where he’s sitting with tonnes of homework he’s missed, is not the same open-book kind of Derek. Now he’s closed. He looks pretty much like himself. Stiles barely heard when Derek entered through the window, but now when he’s aware of the werewolf’s presence, Stiles can also hear the older’s strange breathing. He gets a mixed feeling of being both surprised Derek is there and not surprised at all. When he tries to speak, Derek interrupts.  
  
“What the hell, du-”  
  
“Touch me,” Derek growls and the words don't sound at all like Stiles has ever heard them before or imagined hearing them from someone. They’re demanding. Angry. It’s an “if you don’t do what I say I will rip your throat out”-threat, not a question. Stiles doesn't get scared. It was a long time since Derek scared him for real and Derek hasn't even thrown him into a wall today. He stares at Derek, who’s staring straight forward. Defeated?  
  
“What?” Stiles manages to get out of his mouth, because, really, what else can he say? Derek makes an outrageous, guttural sound that makes Stiles throw his books in the direction of his pillow and get to his feet.  
  
“Touch me again.”  
  
_This_ makes more sense to Stiles. Last time they saw one another was in the lair when Boyd was killed. He had put his hand on Derek’s shoulder, mostly because he had felt so inadequate, so small and insignificant. Yet he’d wanted to make Derek feel better somehow and the gesture had been the only thing he had thought of. He’s now standing a few feet in front of Derek, in his own - not even a tiny bit scary - bedroom, not behind Derek, not tired and not freaked out of his mind. Derek has closed his eyes but his eyebrows are knotted and they doesn’t make Stiles really sure what to do, but he at least steps up to Derek and stretches his fingers by his sides. Derek’s expression is starting to look impatient so when he parts his lips, probably to actually make a threat this time, Stiles is moving his hand fast and places it lightly on top of Derek’s left shoulder. He has his leather jacket on and it smells like rain and bad memories. The fabric feels almost slimy underneath Stiles’s fingertips and Stiles can’t feel Derek’s body heat through the fabrics even though wolfs are supposed to be even warmer than the mere human. Stiles feels confused by all of this but he does not come up with anything to say, so for once in his goddamn life, Stiles is speechless.  
  
So he stands there. Watching the Alpha’s body visibly relaxing with time and his face untwists from anger. He goes on a whim and put’s his other hand on Derek’s right shoulder. This makes the wolf almost flinch and open his eyes. For the first time that night he’s actually looking at Stiles, looking back into Stiles’s eyes. They show of sadness. Stiles understands. Not how it is to be an Alpha and losing a Beta, two Betas, or how it is to loose not only the family Derek had by blood but now also the one he’s created by choice. No, there is no way Stiles will ever understand that. What he do get is the loneliness that creeps around Derek’s still body and hurt eyes. He understands so much he almost start to really ache himself.  
  
Stiles curses himself for moving and adding to his touching because it doesn’t even take seconds before Derek leaves him standing with his hands out like a zombie. He’s gone, out the window in a heartbeat and he doesn’t look back when Stiles shouts his name in apologies.

~~

But Derek keeps coming. The second time is very much like the first. Vaguely threatening in the beginning and relaxed towards the end, before Stiles makes the bad move to try to talk and Derek is gone. Stiles tries to recall how long the two times was happening but can’t say if it only was a matter of a couple of minutes or even up to an hour. It’s impossible to say.

~~

The third night, Stiles is already up, pacing his room and actually waiting for Derek. There is no talking at all this time because Stiles knows what’s up. Well, not really, but he knows what Derek wants him to do: put a hand on his shoulder and stay quiet and expect it to be fine when he then leaves without warning or explanation. Somehow it doesn’t bother Stiles so much, the whole thing is weird and kind of un-Derek-like but at the same time Stiles gets to see Derek. Be near. _Touch him._ And the last part might be very pathetic because what teenage boy suits themselves in only touching a covered shoulder of the person they’re crushing on? But Stiles knows that it could be so much less so he reveals in the fact that he can be anywhere near the wolf. By Derek's initiative, not to forget. It’s more than he pretty much ever got from Lydia so even though this situation is strange and should probably be explained at least at some point, Stiles can’t bother to try making Derek say a thing.

~~

Stiles expects day four to be no different from the previous days, but in the middle of shoulder-holding-time Derek frowns a little, his eyes are closed, and then he groans. Not loud or annoyed. He just sounds like something is missing and apparently, something’s not missing per say, but is too much. In a smooth move from beginning to end, Derek gets his jacket off and throws it to the floor. He’s wearing a tight, light blue henley underneath and Stiles is left kind of breathless for a second. His hand is in the air above Derek now and when he realizes he isn’t touching, he immediately drops his hand to the other man. He accidentally lets a finger brush over the skin of the nape of Derek’s neck and quickly drags his hand away from there. Derek raises his brows though, eyes still closed, leans in to Stiles' hand and lets out a very light sound he probably will die before letting Stiles comment on or try to persuade anyone else into believe actually happened. Derek’s skin is hot against Stiles’s palm, his hand lightly pressed to the edge of Derek’s shirt and exposed collarbone and shoulder blade. Stiles doesn’t dare to move his hand or fingers one single inch. This contact, however, seems to relax Derek very much faster than the other days, it doesn’t take long at all before Derek looks like he’s almost sleeping. His expression is peaceful. His usually indignant look feels long gone and the realization hits Stiles like a brick in the gut. Derek looks _young_.  
  
Their little touch-bubble is bursting on this fourth day because Stiles has to cough. He’s been trying to keep it in way too long so when it slips between his lips, it’s so loud Derek’s werewolf senses probably becomes numb. He doesn’t wolf-run away from Stiles this time though. He opens his eyes, moves to fish his jacket from the floor and puts it on, very slowly. His eyes are plastered to the floor. He opens his mouth to say something but his mind seem to change faster than lightning and he closes his lips without uttering so much as a letter. Stiles is just standing, feeling awkward now when their building routine is changed. He scratches the back of his head and Derek leaves. In the window, he stops and looks back. Not even at Stiles, still at the floor but then he’s gone.

~~

Stiles does what Stiles always does. He researches and overthinks the whole situation. Typing out the words “werewolf seeking human contact” gets him absolutely zero hits on the topic he’s seeking, the one he’s experiencing with Derek, there is nada, nothing. But about 444 000 results on wolfs wanting to bite people and therefore seeking them out. He doesn’t find anything that is remotely like what is happening to him and he absolutely does not want to talk to anybody in the pack about it. No one is going to believe a hypothetical question as specific as this one.

Pack.  
  
_Pack._ Could it be that simple?  
  
But he doesn’t dare to ask Derek anything. They keep the “thing” going, Derek is already there on day five, scaring Stiles half to death when he enters his own room. Derek is in the same spot on the floor. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t even acknowledge that Stiles’s coming through the door or his quiet mutters. The younger can’t help himself when he just a couple of seconds later steps up to Derek. He runs his hand over Derek’s henley’s sleeve before coming to a stop around Derek’s neck, not letting any of the skin of his fingers or palm lay on the clothing. Derek is stiff like frozen ice but Stiles is also rewarded with a freaking _sigh of pleasure_ when he rubs his thumb in small circles. It makes his heart jump and quicken because, no, it’s not supposed to be _that kind_ of sound but it so definitely sounds like one. He knows the wolf can absolutely hear his pulse. Probably even feel it through Stiles’s fingers with all his fucking supernatural powers, feel it through the wooden floors for all he knows. It strikes him that there are so many things his heart has done around Derek that Derek has to know. This crush has been going on for a while and Derek still comes to him with this weird touchy-thingy. The information makes him jumpy and super aware that Derek actually is standing in front of him while he is having this conversation with himself. He’s still there. He didn’t run.  
  
The progress is slow. The jacket is never on anymore but otherwise it’s nothing that changes that drastically. Stiles doesn’t know what is too much, so he’s gentle and doesn’t go very much further every night, but he is progressing. On day eight, he has both his hands on Derek at the same time. On his shoulders, rubbing slowly, and Derek doesn’t seem to mind it one bit, but he runs as soon as Stiles try to talk.

~~

Eleven. There have now been a couple of times when Stiles has seen Derek outside of their now usual meetings. Together with Scott or Isaac, or even both and more of his friends. In the times when it’s not “we’re going to die at any given moment because this is our lives” and they are just at Derek’s loft, planning and plotting, Derek has promptly ignored Stiles a bit more than usual and kept his answers or questions toward him short. They do have full conversations with just facial expressions when the others aren’t looking though. Stiles pretty much always asks what the hell is going on and Derek gives him oblivious questions in response which Stiles rolls his eyes at and Derek then nods off as nothing. Stiles still doesn’t really mind, but by this time he is way too curios about this whole thing to not start babbling to someone about it if Derek doesn’t talk to him soon. So when Derek only an hour after one of these planning meetings, is on Stiles’s floor with his gaze stuck straight down, Stiles gets a bit frustrated. Just a tiny, very tiny bit. Maybe a lot. He decides that: fuck it, if Derek wants him to touch him, he’s _going_ to fucking touch him. He rushes over, drapes an arm over one of Derek's shoulders and the other one around his waist, and he presses his upper hand to Derek’s head towards his own neck and grabs the fabric of the wolf’s shirt with the other. If Derek wants to move when Stiles wraps his arms around him, he doesn’t do anything about it. Stiles is not thinking about this in a sexual way. It feels too weird. If anyone had told him a few years ago that he would _hug_ Derek Hale he would have sent them straight to the Eichen House. If someone had told him that Derek would hug him back with such intense force Stiles felt like he could suffocate, Stiles would have laughed his ass off and then laughed some more. And sure, it took maybe a minute or two but Derek’s arms are literally around Stiles’s body and now this feels even weirder. A good weird, but nonetheless one of the most strange things that have ever happened to Stiles, werewolves and banshees and kanimas included. But Derek is warm as a cosy fireplace, he smells sweet and sweat, so much Derek that Stiles don’t know what to do with himself. Stiles realizes how much he himself has been craving this kind of contact. He is scared because this is not what was supposed to happen during their touchy-time; this is out of the ordinary and on top of it all: the body in his arms is trembling and shaking. Stiles can barely understand that this is Derek, the same Derek he only an hour ago was arguing with via eyebrows and ignored looks. The closed of Alpha is broken around Stiles and yes, Stiles is almost shaking as much as him because he is scared shitless.

~~

“Is this a pack thing?” Stiles blurts out before he can stop himself. It pays off though, Derek shakes his head in resignation. It’s the fourteenth day. It’s the first time Stiles is allowed to say anything and Stiles believe it’s just because he hasn’t actually started to touch Derek yet.

~~

Days pass. Weeks. They’re close, hugging, touching and at some point Derek starts to touch Stiles back. Not just the hugging, but sometimes run a gentle hand over his arms or through his hair. Stiles still doesn’t know what is going on and the remaining werewolves are starting to look strangely at him when he sees them. One day he catches Scott actually _sniffing_ him. He guesses he smells like Derek and feels warm all over. Nobody comments and Stiles is happy, he thinks he could never lie and would just spill all the beans. He’s still trying to make sense of it all. He can only find two explanations expect the pack thing. Either Derek has a twin Stiles isn’t aware of, or Derek has feelings he doesn't know what to do with.

~~

Stiles don’t know what happened really. He had no control, he just _did it_. Derek had been coming for weeks now and they were hugging and they were trusting each other and they were doing something that was so close to cuddling Stiles couldn’t even find another word for it and he was growing impatient. He had been pinning for Lydia for years without feeling like this, but pinning for Derek was a totally different thing, because Derek was there, and Derek felt like he was already almost his. Almost enough that Stiles sometimes forgot it wasn’t like that between them. So when Stiles kisses Derek for the first time, it’s not really because he planned it, it’s because he believes that it’s what they have been advancing towards. Thought that that also was something that had been coming for weeks. Really, it was just a peck he sprung on Derek’s lips one night, night twenty-seven. In consecutive order, he’d come every single night. Twenty-seven. He must surprise the fuck out of Derek because the only thing he does is burrowing a confused frown, without even opening his eyes. By some galactic logic Stiles isn’t aware he’s following, he takes this as a positive reaction and decides to do it again. He deliberately kisses Derek this time, heart racing and fingers trembling and the whole cliché package. He almost expects Derek to give in to it, like he did when they started to hug. Stiles hopes are crushed, and pretty much the back of his head and his throat as well because in a heartbeat Derek has him pinned to the wall with the outside of his arm pressed against Stiles’s throat. His eyes are wild and there is actual fear spreading across Stiles’s whole body. He fucked up. This “thing” was not at all what he thought.  
  
“What the hell, Stiles?” Derek bawls out and he stares at Stiles so intently Stiles feels like he is being scolded by a… parent? No. No, by his Alpha, he realizes.  
  
Stiles gurgles something that is supposed to be an “I’m sorry, Derek, please, I’m so sorry” but he doesn’t think any of the words actually is understandable. He is slapping Derek’s arm with his hands because he can barely breathe and he would very much like to not die right now. Derek releases some of the pressure so that Stiles without extensive problems can both breath and talk. So he does. Because he have been quiet for a month and that is just so not like him.  
  
“I thought that was what you wanted, I thought you knew that was what I want. You said this wasn’t a pack thing and I can literally not see what else this could be and google couldn’t either so I drew the best conclusion but apparently I was wrong, but you know that _that_ would have been anyone’s guess to what you were actually wanting.” He takes a short break and actually breathes. Derek’s eyes are starting to flicker. Stiles tenses. Derek’s going to run out on him, isn’t he? Not before Stiles can say his peace, oh hell no.  
  
“You can’t blame me!” he shouts. This makes Derek’s eyes snap right back to Stiles’s.  
  
“You didn’t tell me anything, you just expected me to do whatever it is that we are doing and not even get the slightest understanding of why. You can’t do that to me, Derek...” His voice breaks at the wolf’s name and then… he’s alone. He sighs and if he’s crying himself to sleep that night, it’s definitely not because Derek rejected him.

~~

“I’m done.” Stiles says it as soon as he can hear Derek behind him. He’s bending over his desk, gathering papers and books and pencils and he does not look at the wolf. “I am done with this,” he makes a circle behind himself with his finger, “ _thing_ , I am so done.” He moves around his room, nowhere in particular, just putting stuff where they’re supposed to be or where he just want the to lie right now instead of somewhere else. He don’t know what else to do, he does not want to be in this situation at all. Minutes pass. Quiet except for Stiles’s footsteps and scrambling of things being put down and moved around. The silence is so pressing Stiles is almost sure he’s going to have a panic attack right there and then. It’s broken by a choked off sob.  
  
And then Stiles finally looks at him. The ragged mess of an Alpha werewolf in front of him, with his hair all frizzy and his eyes bloodshot and he looks so _damaged_. His chest is heaving and Stiles stops dead in his tracks. This was not at all what he was expecting. Not that he was really sure what he thought would happen but Derek having a for real break down in his room wasn’t one of them. Stiles stares as Derek isn’t crying. But he’s so damn close that he has to start over several times when he tries to speak before he can even make a vowel.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he breaths. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...” He repeats himself over and over as he’s staggering towards Stiles, who’s backing away because no, no, he can’t do this anymore. And then he’s propped up against his wall again and Derek is close, too close, _on him_. “I’m so sorry, Stiles,” he whimpers. Eyes locked on Stiles’s lips and Derek only gives him time to take a breath before their lips are crushed together. Stiles wants it so bad, he wants it so bad he has to force himself to turn his head because this is not right, this doesn’t feel like it should. It’s desperate. It’s Derek doing something because he’s scared Stiles is done with _him_.  
  
“Derek, stop it,” he makes himself beg and the look on Derek’s face is begging him right back. His hands are on Stiles’s waist, tugging, holding on for dear life and his body is cold against Stiles. He wonders whether Derek has been sitting in a freezer for a couple of hours, there is just no way Derek can be that chilly otherwise. “You’re supposed to want to,” Stiles whispers. Derek tenses at the words and Stiles continues. “You can’t kiss me if you don’t want me.” For once, Stiles is the one to not look at Derek. He’s staring at one of the pockets of Derek’s jacket. “Just... Please. Tell what you’re doing here.” There is a long silence. Breathing. Heartbeats and gulps. There is Derek continuing holding on to Stiles like he’s the one who usually rushes out the window.  
  
“I… I need you, Stiles,” Derek confesses.  
  
“And I’m not going anywhere,” Stiles promises,

So they talk. Finally. They sit on the floor, backs to Stiles’s bed and with a short distance between them that none of them seems to dare push into. Derek tells him, very uncomfortable and fidgety, that he craves comfort. He’s lost his pack. His family. Stiles was there in the moment and it stuck onto Derek’s wolf and the first nights he was barely aware that he was even out of the loft before he was standing in Stiles’s room. Some things, Derek doesn’t, in fact, say out loud, but he tells Stiles enough so that he at least can fill in the blanks. He just wants to feel safe. When Derek is done talking, Stiles takes his hand and laces their fingers together. It’s a much more intimate gesture than Stiles meant to when he got the impulse, but Derek squeezes so hard Stiles feel like he might loose the hand. It’s only for a short while though, so the younger boy doesn’t comment. Derek puts his other hand on top of their intertwined fingers and tries to smooth the skin on Stiles’s knuckles. Fluttering heartbeats and Stiles clears his throat.  
  
“Thanks for telling me, man,” he says to cover the sounds his body inviolately makes. Derek nods, inspecting their fingers and moving his hand up over the human’s arm. His eyes are locked on his own moving fingers until they reach Stiles’s neck, which is when he looks up at Stiles like he just realized what he was doing. Their eyebrows converse for a short while and they seem to agree that this is totally fine by both of them.  
  
“Just for the record,” the wolf says and carefully drags his middle and long finger across Stiles’s chin in a caressing movement. “I do want you.”  
  
“Holy fuck,” Stiles exhales and now it is just not acceptable for Derek to just sit there and not snog his face off. Derek huffs a small laugh and yes, this time they’re both so totally into the kissing that proceeds.

**Author's Note:**

> Stiles comforting Derek is one of the best things in this world and I have during the last week read so much Sterek that I needed to get this out of my system. I don't know when my life started to revolve around these idiots but here I am, writing fanfiction before I go to work and staying up till the early hours.  
> I also thought it would be a nice addition to put this disgusting [gifset](http://howdoyoudefinelying.tumblr.com/post/130553598827/chrsvns-is-there-somewhere-you-could-meet-me) here, since it's from the scene this whole fic is written about.  
> Audiofic can be found [here](http://www.audiofic.jinjurly.com/touch-me).
> 
> Like my stuff? [Buy me a coffee!](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/mee4ever)


End file.
